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Warning: If you are a hypocritical person who would like to use my journals as a way to use against someone you are a horrible human being. If you don't like what I say don't read it and if you are my mom who is reading this and shaking your head no, please remember I am who I am and you cannot change that ever. Your no detective or anything like that, your a mother who can only think in binary terms and not willing to think out of the box. 

Ok please enjoy ^^

After Rei and My confession to each other, things started to get more and more close between us. We would continue to talk throughout the nights and would loose track of time. It was like this for many weeks and I enjoyed every moment of it. However, during this same time with others in my life it was a complete roller coaster. Namely the roller coaster consisted of my best friend Lt. Pineapple, the people I work with, and my own mother.  

I remember thinking about how I was going to tell my best friend Pineapple about this. We had been friends for so long almost a decade now. Looking back in my past I remember in my dreams I would be with him. Either we were holding hands, hugging each other, or even dare I say kissing one another. And I didn't at all look like my male self in those dreams either. I felt so much shame knowing that I was attracted to him in the past. I felt guilty and back then I knew it was very wrong. Pineapple had been there for a long time and I felt so much love from him that it was really hard to tell him about me. I still remember being in the same room telling him thinking I was stupid, and just wanted to tell him to forget it but he wouldn't let me go until he actually said it himself, "You think your a girl?" I felt so ashamed like I lied to him my entire life. I cried and didn't stop until he hugged me and told me it was going to be alright, and he didn't judge me because I felt like this. He said drying to dry my tears, "Your ok, your still going to be a part of my life. I am not going anywhere I promise you." He assured me things were going to be fine and that I needed to relax and not stress about this. I needed to be happy about this event of realization, not guilty he told me as he got me up and embraced me as I choked on my tears. 

It was about a few weeks later after I told Pineapple that I told my supervisor and employer. I felt like I was an ant being viewed by a magnifying glass by them, I was so scared I was going to be fired or let go or given less hours. At first they were surprised, but later on seemed very open with me coming out to them on who I truly was. They started to connect the dots they found that it was very true. I still remember my employer telling me, " I had no idea, but I am going to do the best I can to understand. In fact everyone here should understand a little better." I felt so happy hearing those words. (Oh how I wish she could remember that now... I wish I could go more into detail but as you know... my mothers prying eyes are on here too so I can't give to much information) However, I knew I couldn't go on keeping my mom in the dark. I didn't know how long it would be until I told her. 

I didn't tell mom until I was within five months of my realization of being transgender. I remember it was in late June, and she was in a great mood. I felt like telling her safely then that I felt like a girl. I would have told her sooner but I kept back peddling because any hint of transgender topics floating around. For an example there was Caitlin Jenner news going around (who I didn't know until three months after my discovery) and my mom commented on her appearance on the magazine. I remember her saying, "That's so sad." I kinda lighted up a little bit and responded, "Because she now realized she was a girl this whole time?" She looked at me with a grim face. "No, because he couldn't be happy how he was born and just accepted it. Someone so successful as him had to ruin his life." After she said those words lets say I was terrified to tell her anything that was going on with my life and kicked the can so far down the road about three to four months, in fact I didn't feel like telling her at all.

But as I tried to keep it from her it got harder and harder to try and smile around her. I eventually said it was time and told her while she was asking me questions in her closet while I was in her room . I sat on the bed and started off "Mom... would you still love me even if I seemed different?" She smiled and said "Of course I would" and continued to sift through her closet. "Well... I wanted to tell you after such a long time of hiding it from you. But mom... i don't feel like a boy I feel more like a girl then anything, and I am happy to admit that." After that point the smiling stopped and she had a look of worry on her face. After talking more with her for the next two hours which felt like 20 minutes, she eventually came to the idea I was confused and told me "Your probably just Gay. There is no way you think like this." We started to argue and she blew up at me, "Being a girl sucks! You have no idea what it is like. You think your going to be happy? You wont be happy. I would accept that you were Gay more then this! Your friends and employees will not accept you!" At that point I just left the house because she wasn't listening me.

I came back home late and still got yelled at about my situation of being a girl and was told I was probably Gay again, and that her Gay friends would help me. But I didn't feel like a boy at all I told her. She wouldn't hear it, she was too upset. It was at one point she left for work the next morning and was really upset with me. She even admitted that she wished to be in a car crash that she just avoided and told me that I was influenced by Satan or some sort telling me I had a perfect body already. (FYI I don't believe in Satan which really got her scared) After a few hours she calmed down and asked me to go to lunch with her to sort things out. I told her I was going to see my counselor who was helping me with my identity and she asked if she could go with me. I agreed, but God help me I wish I didn't agree at all.

When she came in to see my counselor with me she took up my whole time. I never got a word in to speak my side of the story. I was scared and felt like I was put on trial by her with accusations of me being a boy, I never told her a thing, etc. And yet my therapist told her plenty of times "What does this have to do with your child's identity?" We only had so much time but when we left mom was still in tears. She could't accept me for who I was and told me "I don't understand, why do you think you need to be this way?" I hugged her told her I loved her and she just drove off afterwards in her car.

I went to work right after my counselor with my mom and started to think what she might do to me when I came home. Usually if my mom gets time to think, she really wants things done after that. I was already forced by her to go see a pastor, go talk to someone who was not my counselor, see a christian counselor, talk to people that I haven't met in a decade to try and help me or fix me. I didn't want to hear any more of that. I felt scared to go back home and answer those questions. I called a friend who I met about my situation and he told me to do the right thing...

I went home, I started to pack my things and some girl clothes that I bought earlier that week, and took my ps4 to play ffxiv a realm reborn to stay in contact with my new boyfriend, kissed my kitty goodbye and left the house. I wrote a letter on my moms door saying we needed a break, and that I was going somewhere safe.

After that I left in the quiet of the night... without saying anything to anyone.

I ran away....
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:icontiffanytoast93:
TiffanyToast93 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
This kinda reminds me of my own experience.. except I was living with my grandmother at the time, and shortly after I came out to my mom, my mother moved all the way to Texas... she came back 9 months later, but it was discomforting either way.

Now, I can't even come out to my 6 year old brother or even wear a damn bra[or any girl clothes, for that matter, when he is around]!
Aghhh.....

I'm just saving up enough funds for the hormones and stuff, until I see the correct doctor...
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:iconpanda--pandora:
Panda--Pandora Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*Hugs you tight* oh Tiffany I am so sorry about that. I understand so much, recently my mom doesn't still see eye to eye with me to this day and she keep keeps using my birth name and tells me to keep coming back to the way I was. It's still crazy with so many things with her. But I want to say no matter how long it takes or if it never comes, i will be as frank as I can about this, forget about what she thinks and be yourself. For so many years we are told to be who we are but as soon as we do, we are told a different story like, "Its not acceptable." or "Its weird." or my favorite (yeah right its my worst) "Your just confused" etc. If your mom and my mom cannot be happy with who we are then too bad for her, she can miss out on our joy. ^-^  I've already given up on my mom calling me Casey, so I am just going to continue to be myself and show her I am happy being a girl, and its also fun to see her face look at me with my ever changing face and body hehe ^^

As for you brother, if you tell him truthfully that you feel a certain way, I know he would still accept you. He is still young and is learning about who and what people are. You would be a very good role model for him if you told him about your situation. I was scared to death but my siblings have actually been the most supportive in my immediate family, and we hardly talk to each other. 

*Hugs you once more* Tiffany, its great you are saving up for hormones and to see the right doctor. Its hard but I understand you. My own mom has not put in a cent for my transition so I can relate so much. I support you one hundred percent, and your doing it very safely which makes it even more better for yourself. Remember to have or rely on your support group, they are more then likely to help you even more in giving you what you need. I have one and I have actually called them my sisters because they have helped me so much with my transition so far. Be safe and know that you have allies in many places, so don't be too scared, frustrated, or depressed. 
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:icontiffanytoast93:
TiffanyToast93 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
My maternal grandmother and her husband don't accept it; my mother and her husband don't; my 14 year old sister seems to not accept it, though I don't know if she was only saying that because my mom and grandmother were around ....(a girl can hope, right?);

My mother is afraid that if I tell my 6 year old brother, it will somehow scar him-though he HAS asked me why if I was wearing a bra once, I was unable to answer him due to the presence of my grandmother, so she just said "he sometimes wears bras, yes". He laughed, because it was weird, I suppose, for him, not knowing the answer WHY. I hope my mother doesn't still think that I would somehow "pass" my trans-ness to my brother, for it DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. Me and said brother get along GREAT, so my mother's threats of not letting him see me if I tell him "the news" greatly deter me from coming out to him.

My father is a bit more... Tact with the whole situation, and told me (I think it was in 2012 or 2013...) that I can do whatever I want, just not around him—I haven't revisited the issue with him since. He doesn't talk much, and growing up, he wasn't there due to the fact that my mother broke up with him in college (they were never married), and took me with her across the country. Sure, I saw him every so often once the year 2000 hit, but I still don't know him very we'll, as I lived with my mom and he worked ALOT.

In conclusion, I have ran into some funding trouble with college and have been forced to move back in with my grandmother-and since it is mostly comfortable living at her house, besides the whole gender dysphoria thing, I will not be able to appear as woman too often for the time being. That doesn't bother me too much, for everyone at college calls me by Tiffany, so I don't feel dysphoric at school, which is always a good thing.
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:iconpanda--pandora:
Panda--Pandora Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*Sigh* Threats are not good. But... if you are threatened to be who you are with people you like don't let them control you. There have been many girls across the states held at gunpoint to not be who they are, or even straight up disowned. But from the stories I see and hear about with my sisters, they find their life. If we continue to live in the shadow of others honey, we will never feel the warmth of the sun. It is indeed terrifying, but don't let that dissuade you form being who you are. I will say this because you are in this community. You matter, and you are loved by everyone who wants you to be who you are. Don't be scared, or give up. Your dad wants you to be who you are even if he doesn't want to see it. Show who you are even if you don't wear the skirt,  
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:icontiffanytoast93:
TiffanyToast93 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Um... Not so sound rude, but you ended with a comma.
was it supposed to be a period, or did you not finish your statement?
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:iconpanda--pandora:
Panda--Pandora Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yrs I meant to put a period. I'm at work at the moment and I was feeling really tired and hit send >< sorry about that. 
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:icontiffanytoast93:
TiffanyToast93 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, okay then, thanks for the encouragement!
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:iconon2xsecretprobation:
On2XSecretProbation Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Dang...that's rough. It seems like this is so outside of your mom's experience that she had a very extreme reaction. It sucks when family doesn't understand. It seems like she has some stuff to work out.
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:iconpanda--pandora:
Panda--Pandora Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yes she really does. I can still sense the love, but the acceptance and support are not there. She still calls me by my birth name as well as Male pronouns when I look dressed to the nines as myself. It usually grates on me that everyone at home still acts like that especially when I took the courage to tell them when I didn't really want to. 
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:iconon2xsecretprobation:
On2XSecretProbation Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Well stay strong. It is your life and finding your way in it is your job not theirs. Sure you might ask people for advice along the way but ultimately it's up to you. Don't let their fears and worries bog you down.
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